I have had an emotional two weeks. It was so hard to watch Skye decline over the past months and then take the inevitable turn for the worse. I know souls are born, live and die and when we have pets, we will experience this. I was able to spend lots of time with Skye and give her a great dog life.
Naturally I am considering getting another Corgi. I'm thinking that I'll give Russell some time to be an only dog. The question is would he rather have all the attention of trade that for a new playmate? As is my pattern, I'll consider this for a while. Not a big fan of snap decisions.
Seems that I am going through another mid-life crisis. At least that's what I call them. I prefer Carl Jung's approach to explaining the challenges of this stage of life. So much variation in life paths make any predictions only very general. Add the natural and usual path of life, a serious tendency to analyze everything, and getting life threatening cancer, not once, but twice.
All bets are off, anything is possible. Clean the slate and the soul. I'm in a part of the cycle where this old ways are gone and the new have not presented yet. The old life of catching shows seems to be passing, it's hard to make the shows and all my friends associated with the music and photography have wandered off to get married, have babies and spend their time thinking about food. Going to a show means not knowing almost anyone there. I still hate to go place alone. Too self-conscious and to easily bored.
My first major life change as an adult was cleaning up my act and quit the drinking. This change also took me to graduate school where I found a new career. Then on to a second degree at UGA, part of this change in life. This period lasted until 1998 when I quit the business of psychotherapy.
In the period between 1999-2008 I entered the world of Information Technology, for which I was well suited, maybe more than psychology. Quickly moved up through various jobs in the computer field. Also found Harriet after divorcing with my 3rd wife. I was able to find a new career, a new wife and a new life. It felt like everything was going to be fine. As in life, nothing ever seems to work the way we hope. Harriet left and I found music again. In a big way. Hundreds of shows over the next few years. Work was for daylight and music at night. The hole Harriet left in my life was almost too large to fill. Music and photography gave me a place in the universe. People knew me, found friends and the joy of life music.
Crusin' along with a couple of new jobs in IT and finally found a new girlfriend, life seemed to make sense. I was happy. Then a week before my 51 birthday, I have a partial seizure and in the hospital the doctors find cancer in my brain. There's a life changing event if there ever was. You find out who you are when you hear that. The treatment, Whole Brain Radiation, nearly destroyed my mind and body. Three years of searching for a way back to anything like I knew before. I couldn't think, couldn't remember and suffered fatigue so great that I sat in a chair for the whole time.
Unable to get out and get to shows, that life begin to fade. I tried to continue on but I was just too sick. I guess I was clinging to a life now gone. Three years passed. Doctors all calling me a miracle. Then cancer again, in the lung this time. Operations, chemo and radiation comprise my life. Declared whole and cancer free, the word "miracle" is used again. I am grateful to the doctors and the universe for life.
Now what? Work is out of the question. First, I cannot risk losing my health insurance. Second, I doubt I can pull 8 hours doing anything. I still suffer memories problems that would make technical employment unlikely. Third, who would hire a guy with such a track record of illness. I am working as hard as I can to do the things everyone else does rather easily. I'm terribly out of shape due to the time spent trying to survive. I walk Russell and get to the gym when I can. I have a long way to go.
The issue is now, what life can I create? I've always been able to recover from set backs. I'm sure I shall again. I just have no idea what is next. I have not found a direction in which to head. I always have and I'm sure I shall. Guess I'm not too patient.
On the other hand, my life is very organized. Memory problems work better with routine and consistency. I have a comfortable home. I have books, movies, music and Russell. I lack for nothing but meaning in life. I am getting healthier and more able. I've been so driven for the past 30 years and now I can lay down that burden. But it is not easy. I just feel like I should be doing something. What, I have no idea. Like it is not acceptable for a man who has worked hard through is life to reap any reward, or granted a rest.
Holy Shit, just checked the weather radar and a huge storm is coming. This was not in the forecast. Must adjust schedule to get Russell some play time before it hits. Meaning I'll practice guitar later.
Merlefest the weekend.
Thanks for reading.
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