I've been looking forward to this weekend; food, family, friends, fun and music. Happily I also don't have to travel. My weirdly organized, made up family gets together at 1pm. Then around 7pm old friends for my high school days, who are in town to see their families, will get together at my house. Must run to the store for a few snacks for my guests before lunch and I hope something is open.
I looked into seeing a Doctor who specializes in CFS. Unfortunately his practice is "fee for service" and so it will cost around a $1000 just for the initial appointment. My insurer may reimburse me for the expense but I fear getting into even more medical debt. Especially as there is no treatment and any diagnosis would mainly involve ruling out other conditions, which I have been doing for the past two years, through oncology (hematological testing), neurology (EEG), hours of neuropsychological testing. Since I know I meet the criteria for a CFS diagnosis, I don't see any real reason to document it at this time. If I do, I'll check with my Neurologist on Monday for my regularly scheduled appointment.
At first I blamed it on the cancer, then the surgery, then the radiation, then the anti-seizure medication side effects. As all of that is in the past, I still have the symptoms. Any or all of these events may have kicked off the CFS. At least with that explanation/diagnosis I can move forward with accepting what is happening to me.
So, in order to accept and then accommodate to my new situation, understanding helps. I am going to be this way for a while, there is no way to know if it will improve soon, later or even ever. First is to understand how I feel and of what I am capable. I have contacted my editor at Honest Tune and explained why I won't be soliciting new assignments. I plan to scale back commitments and do what I can, when I can. I have read everything I can find and have started Vitamin therapy (D3, B12) and anti-depressant (St. John's Wort). I am waking between one and two miles a day, with the puppies. I'm helping out designing the technical aspects of the recording studio at the Birdsnest. I placed a notice on the website, BandMix, to find folks with whom to play.
I'm working on letting myself off the hook for not being able to do all the things I used to be able to do. I've always been fairly driven, earning two graduate degrees, scuba, sailing, flying, concert photography, hiking, always learning and trying new things. It is very hard to experience the complete change in my life. I am simply not the man I used to be.
My attitude is good. I am glad for everyday I'm alive. Even on the days where I am so tired I cannot leave the house or even play a guitar, I still feel joy, a spark within me that will not be extinguished. I'm often alone but rarely lonely.
I am also glad for the love from my two corgis
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