Hi Friends,
A little update 'round here. I'm feeling better, better every day. Far from healed, it is still painful to use my left arm. Which when you think of it, is quite debilitating. I am able to get by of less pain medication.
I am taking this time to evaluate my life, goals, dreams, plans in light of my disabilities due to this, seemingly chronic disease. Fo so long I felt my job was to be helpful to others and studied psychotherapy. For a long time I found the work meaningful and rewarding. After 15 years I looked at my life and decided to change careers, moving into the world of computers and information technology. After the brain tumors and radiation treatment I found I could no longer work in that field.
For the next three years I have been dealing with the unintended effects of the cancer, the surgeries (3) and the whole brain radiation. I suppose hoping to regain the mental and physical facilities, I focused on the research in the field, searching for anything that might return my energy and memory. I found nothing outside my own efforts that helped. I embarked on a series of activities to force my mind to work and to get my brain working. Playing music has been a great way to drill my memory but in a fun and creative way. I decided to record my playing, complete with bass guitar and mandolin and multiple guitar tracks.
Having the cancer reoccur after 3 years is a game changer. It is unlikely that I will come out of this better than I was before the new tumor. I can survive this, but it is not likely that I will but for so long.
I've been pretty driven since my mid 20's, two graduate degrees, 2 licences to practice, 3 computer certifications, learned to scuba, backpack, sail, even earned a pilot's certification. Cancer has put most of this out of my reach. So how do I live my life without that drive to succeed and accomplish? I found meaning and purpose in life through my work. Even as a network administrator, I found meaning in the beauty and efficency of a well designed network.
Here in the last few years of my life I shall move to just enjoying what life I have; friends, reading, photography, music and corgi's. Letting go has alway been hard for me, everything I've ever lost, left with claw marks. Before I let go I try everything I can think of, explore every option, and then still have trouble letting go. I've spend three years adapting to my new condition, (condition, hell), reality. Now it is time to accept that a meaningful life can be without goals and accomplishments. That I can be happy being useless. For most of my life I have felt I needed to justify my existence, to earn the life I had. Maybe I have. Maybe it is ok for others to help me along this path. Maybe I can just enjoy what I have and the time I have left.
I fear, that the remaining months of treatment will be hard, but the surgery was certainly no picnic and I have managed that. My oncologist will poison me for a few months, then shoot radiation at me for a while. Afterwards I plan on getting as healthy as I can be and relax and just enjoy the ride.
Wish me luck moving to the next phase of life.
A little update 'round here. I'm feeling better, better every day. Far from healed, it is still painful to use my left arm. Which when you think of it, is quite debilitating. I am able to get by of less pain medication.
I am taking this time to evaluate my life, goals, dreams, plans in light of my disabilities due to this, seemingly chronic disease. Fo so long I felt my job was to be helpful to others and studied psychotherapy. For a long time I found the work meaningful and rewarding. After 15 years I looked at my life and decided to change careers, moving into the world of computers and information technology. After the brain tumors and radiation treatment I found I could no longer work in that field.
For the next three years I have been dealing with the unintended effects of the cancer, the surgeries (3) and the whole brain radiation. I suppose hoping to regain the mental and physical facilities, I focused on the research in the field, searching for anything that might return my energy and memory. I found nothing outside my own efforts that helped. I embarked on a series of activities to force my mind to work and to get my brain working. Playing music has been a great way to drill my memory but in a fun and creative way. I decided to record my playing, complete with bass guitar and mandolin and multiple guitar tracks.
Having the cancer reoccur after 3 years is a game changer. It is unlikely that I will come out of this better than I was before the new tumor. I can survive this, but it is not likely that I will but for so long.
I've been pretty driven since my mid 20's, two graduate degrees, 2 licences to practice, 3 computer certifications, learned to scuba, backpack, sail, even earned a pilot's certification. Cancer has put most of this out of my reach. So how do I live my life without that drive to succeed and accomplish? I found meaning and purpose in life through my work. Even as a network administrator, I found meaning in the beauty and efficency of a well designed network.
Here in the last few years of my life I shall move to just enjoying what life I have; friends, reading, photography, music and corgi's. Letting go has alway been hard for me, everything I've ever lost, left with claw marks. Before I let go I try everything I can think of, explore every option, and then still have trouble letting go. I've spend three years adapting to my new condition, (condition, hell), reality. Now it is time to accept that a meaningful life can be without goals and accomplishments. That I can be happy being useless. For most of my life I have felt I needed to justify my existence, to earn the life I had. Maybe I have. Maybe it is ok for others to help me along this path. Maybe I can just enjoy what I have and the time I have left.
I fear, that the remaining months of treatment will be hard, but the surgery was certainly no picnic and I have managed that. My oncologist will poison me for a few months, then shoot radiation at me for a while. Afterwards I plan on getting as healthy as I can be and relax and just enjoy the ride.
Wish me luck moving to the next phase of life.
Good luck Chris. At least you're going into it with both eyes open, which is the best way. I'll probably see you at Thanksgiving time.
ReplyDeletePaul