more on acceptance

I think acceptance in no way means resignation. I've been fighting what I'm experiencing. I just keep trying to live a life I cannot live. I hope to get better and be able to do the things I want, but that is not today. Accepting that doesn't mean I'm resigned to it. I just means I've got to quit feeling badly over the fact that I am disabled and cannot live the life I had before.


My way of dealing with adversity is to analyze my responses to the context in which I find myself. My response is what drives me crazy, not the context or new situation. I mean life can suck beyond the telling, but sometimes that cannot be changed. The only thing left is how I adapt. I've been driving myself crazy trying to hold on to the old life. I liked the old life. I have a habit of letting go poorly, claw marks on everything I've ever lost. It's easy to see this intellectually, not so easy emotionally.


I am accepting this new life full of post cancer and post cancer treatments issues. Like everything in my life, not fast enough. I was hoping to be in better shape (than I am) by now. I've made great strides so far, but it is a slow, slow, slow process. As is my acceptance.


On a more positive note. I've made an appointment to visit the puppies June 9. Maybe someone new will come live with Russell and me.

another day

Not much to say today. One day I feel pretty good, the next not so much. It seems impossible to predict and therefore to make plans. Trying not to think of all the fun things I could be doing if I only felt like doing them. Oh well, hoping to get better. It's only been 3 months since the final burst of radiation.

Watch word, acceptance.

I just sent a note to the woman in with the puppies and the 3 year old for sale asking when I could visit.

No plans for the Memorial Day weekend.

just stuff

Hello to everyone in cyberspace. Jacked in? Good.

My day just changed. My brother called asking my to fix his computer. Appears that his computer has become infected. That ought to take a while to repair. Naturally (as with most if not all casual users) he doesn't know what he was doing at the time of infection, nor has the installation disks. As with so many users who does not use many locally installed programs, he should keep everything in the cloud. If he did, I could just wipe the drive and reinstall the OS. I wonder why his AV software didn't catch it?

I've not been feeling well lately. Headache, sinus pressure, dizziness mostly. Poor sleep. My return to physical health is going more slowly than I'd like. Still Russell gets his walks every day. Davidson College student are taking exams and will leave after the weekend.

Working on breath control while singing. I am amazed at how differently my singing sounds when I concentrate and relaxing my throat and left arm.

Still reading the Baroque Cycle, on the third and final book of the series. Took a break to read, " Laurel Canyon : the inside story of rock-and-roll's legendary neighborhood," Not all that well written but certainly an interesting topic of what can happen when amazing folks network through proximity and social contacts.

Made it to the show Friday night. The band did not start until after 11pm. As much as I want to make it to live shows, it is still just too hard. Even if I make it to a late show, the next two days will be harder. I do have tickets for Gov't Mule (earlier show) and Phish. Not so hard to make it to a show that starts around 8 and is over by 11:00pm.

I'm doing better with the whole guilt thing about not working. Targeted  self talk can be very effective. Three days of rain is past and now sun, sun, sun through the weekend.

Guess I'll go pick up that computer.

nothing much

Good morning readers and friends. Big weekend planned. Tonight Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band at the Neighborhood Theater. My brother and his girlfriend are taking me. Saturday is a local bluegrass and beer festival.

I may have found a way to discharge my remaining college loan debt. I'm taking the paperwork to my Oncologist to complete, attesting to my past. present and likely future health. That would be sweet. I was not easy to find the program or forms for this. No big advertisements that's for sure. Wish me luck on that.

My guitar practice continues. I've changed my focus to my body mechanics, posture, muscle tension, and breathing. Coming along slowly as this requires re-learning pretty much everything. My goal is to be a better musician/performer and my intent is to working on my broken mind. Complicated tasks are the most challenging for my brain and therefore most useful. Having several great guitars makes the complexity of matching instrument to song interesting. Be jammin' on the H'Bird this morning. Then off to the store and then Russell's walk to campus. Some light cleaning in the afternoon.

Well better get to it!

errant thoughts and strawberries

Hi Friends,

Off to pick strawberries this morning with my friend Marsha.

Had the strangest dream Tuesday night. I dreamed I was sick, like with the flu. Awoke thinking I was going to feel horrible and after the headache abated, I felt pretty good. All of my symptoms, mostly from the various treatments for the cancer, are lessening. I am feeling better, less pain and more energy. Walking everyday with Russell, who is getting better on-leash. He is naturally good off-leash being a herding dog. Waiting to hear from Fairwyn farms about new puppies.

I missed two shows this week. I hope I can get back into a place where I can make shows without a lot of effort. I wish that when I get to a show, that I know somebody there.

I am still trying to find my new life. I am so reminded of my childhood and adolescence. When we, Russell and me, are out walking, the sounds and smells and sights take me back to those days of being amazed by everything. I walk around town seeing the same houses and buildings as when I was 6 years old, taking the same paths as when I was walking to school in the 1st grade. I haven't had the free time I do now, since I was in high school. I drive the same roads, take the same walks and, on occasion, listen to the same music.

Who I am is a more fluid concept than I've experienced in a while. After all this life, you'd think I'd be better at adjusting to life's changes. In developmental psychology, there are normative and non-normative events. Normative events are those life events that are common to most people, graduating high school, getting married, having kids. Non-normative events affect life but are not predictable, as serious illness, being hit by a bus, divorce. It is these non-normative events that are hardest to integrate back into life.  These are the unexpected events and thus, hard to plan for whatever comes.

I like to plan. I like to cover any foreseeable events. Like they say, "you never expect the spanish inquisition." You never expect cancer and never expect both the damage from the treatment and you never expect to live through it.

Hard to plan for all of these events. I've found it hard to anticipate the psychological changes that occur. Much less figuring out who I am. A serious lack of meaning, as I have always defined it. Piaget once said, "Intelligence is the ability to adapt." So I'm adapting. Slower than I'd like, faster than  I should expect.

Just got back from a small adventure with Marsha. We headed out in the Z3 (top down) without functioning GPS and spent an hour driving around the country roads of three different counties. We did find the farm and picked 2 gallons of red strawberries apiece. Marsha could taste the difference in this part of the row and further down. Our little unskilled labor experiment. Just finished putting up 8 quarts.

why Obama and the Democrats

I believe that we no longer live in a functioning democracy.  When the amount spent on an election is the most important variable in predicting outcome, the game is over. We truly do have the best government money can buy.

I also believe that the day one enters the White House is the day they find that the Office of the President comes with lots of obligations, and is pretty much controlled. So for the greatest part of the ability to influence events, the cards are already stacked against.

Why vote for the Democrats as they do not make great strides in changing anything? We might not get what we want; no wars, CIA drone programs gone, corporations not being allowed to ruin the economy, to mention a few.

We need to vote for the Democrats if only because, the Republicans will be worse and we will regret living in their nightmare of pandering to the rich at the expense of everyone else, in hopes of gathering the falling crumbs.

mid-life crisis again?

I have had an emotional two weeks. It was so hard to watch Skye decline over the past months and then take the inevitable turn for the worse. I know souls are born, live and die and when we have pets, we will experience this. I was able to spend lots of time with Skye and give her a great dog life.

Naturally I am considering getting another Corgi. I'm thinking that I'll give Russell some time to be an only dog.  The question is would he rather have all the attention of trade that for a new playmate? As is my pattern, I'll consider this for a while. Not a big fan of snap decisions.

Seems that I am going through another mid-life crisis. At least that's what I call them. I prefer Carl Jung's approach to explaining the challenges of this stage of life. So much variation in life paths make any predictions only very general. Add the natural and usual path of life, a serious tendency to analyze everything, and getting life threatening cancer, not once, but twice.

All bets are off, anything is possible. Clean the slate and the soul. I'm in a part of the cycle where this old ways are gone and the new have not presented yet. The old life of catching shows seems to be passing, it's hard to make the shows and all my friends associated with the music and photography have wandered off to get married, have babies and spend their time thinking about food. Going to a show means not knowing almost anyone there. I still hate to go place alone. Too self-conscious and to easily bored.

My first major life change as an adult was cleaning up my act and quit the drinking. This change also took me to graduate school where I found a new career. Then on to a second degree at UGA, part of this change in life. This period lasted until 1998 when I quit the business of psychotherapy.

In the period between 1999-2008 I entered the world of Information Technology, for which I was well suited, maybe more than psychology. Quickly moved up through various jobs in the computer field. Also found Harriet after divorcing with my 3rd wife. I was able to find a new career, a new wife and a new life. It felt like everything was going to be fine. As in life, nothing ever seems to work the way we hope. Harriet left and I found music again. In a big way. Hundreds of shows over the next few years. Work was for daylight and music at night. The hole Harriet left in my life was almost too large to fill. Music and photography gave me a place in the universe. People knew me, found friends and the joy of life music.

Crusin' along with a couple of new jobs in IT and finally found a new girlfriend, life seemed to make sense. I was happy. Then a week before my 51 birthday, I have a partial seizure and in the hospital the doctors find cancer in my brain. There's a life changing event if there ever was. You find out who you are when you hear that. The treatment, Whole Brain Radiation, nearly destroyed my mind and body. Three years of searching for a way back to anything like I knew before. I couldn't think, couldn't remember and suffered fatigue so great that I sat in a chair for the whole time. 

Unable to get out and get to shows, that life begin to fade. I tried to continue on but I was just too sick. I guess I was clinging to a life now gone. Three years passed. Doctors all calling me a miracle. Then cancer again, in the lung this time. Operations, chemo and radiation comprise my life. Declared whole and cancer free, the word "miracle" is used again. I am grateful to the doctors and the universe for life.

Now what? Work is out of the question. First, I cannot risk losing my health insurance. Second, I doubt I can pull 8 hours doing anything. I still suffer memories problems that would make technical employment unlikely. Third, who would hire a guy with such a track record of illness.  I am working as hard as I can to do the things everyone else does rather easily. I'm terribly out of shape due to the time spent trying to survive. I walk Russell and get to the gym when I can. I have a long way to go.

The issue is now, what life can I create? I've always been able to recover from set backs. I'm sure I shall again. I just have no idea what is next. I have not found a direction in which to head. I always have and I'm sure I shall. Guess I'm not too patient.

On the other hand, my life is very organized. Memory problems work better with routine and consistency. I have a comfortable home. I have books, movies, music and Russell. I lack for nothing but meaning in life. I am getting healthier and more able. I've been so driven for the past 30 years and now I can lay down that burden. But it is not easy. I just feel like I should be doing something. What, I have no idea. Like it is not acceptable for a man who has worked hard through is life to reap any reward, or granted a rest. 

Holy Shit, just checked the weather radar and a huge storm is coming. This was not in the forecast. Must adjust schedule to get Russell some play time before it hits. Meaning I'll practice guitar later.

Merlefest the weekend.

Thanks for reading.