sliding into 2012

I knew I didn't want to suffer the chemo during Christmas so I changed the time until between Christmas and New Years. So the first days of the new year have been difficult. Each chemo treatment has been difficult, this time even my fingernails hurt. But that is almost behind me. I start the 20-25 radiation treatments in a month. My next CT scan is in 10 days. Guess I'll find out if the last 5 months of surgery and chemo have helped. The multiple surgeries and the whole brain radiation really took a toll on my health and my brain, which I am still getting over. I didn't really expect to get so much of my facilities back but I put in the effort of retraining my brain anyway. I'm less than I was but more than I could have ever hoped.

I must admit that the first incident I only focused on getting rid of the cancer. This time, I have begun to factoring in the odds of a third cancer. Will I have the strength to go through all this again? Shall I have the will to go through treatment again? I have been mostly housebound for 3 1/2 years. Is treatment going to my primary activity for the rest of my life? When do I call it quits. Is suffering without hope, in fact, life?

Being optimistic, my plan is to get a clean bill of health and complete the radiation. Then get back on the treadmill (euphemistically and actually) and get some physical exercise and do what I can to recover.