Friends will arrive, friends will disappear

I am still in a state of social anomie. I just don't know where I fit anymore. Not having a career or a job has been a part of this loss of social network. Being ill for so long and not being able to take part in my usual activities distances me from people I used to see. Even when I go to a show, fewer and fewer people I once knew show up. Last show I attended I only knew a few people and I didn't want to see them. I saw the pictures from that night, this morning, and it made me sad.

I've been spinning down since the break up of my last marriage. I starting going to a few shows, often without Harriet, who was then working ungodly hours. Once she left I felt badly about leaving Skye (my corgi dog) alone as she did not take to the loss of Harriet well. I spent about a year just coming home to my puppies every night and staying with them.

Afterwards I starting going out to shows and started shooting bands. This gave me a place in the band scene and made me lots of new friends. Making a dozen major festivals and hundreds of shows and getting passes and being friends with the bands and backstage access helped me create a life. In the months before the cancer was discovered I'd found a girlfriend and we were happy in spite of the difficulties of distance and her disapproving family. About two years later that crashed. My fatigue continued and even when I could get to a show, I felt estranged from so many of my old friends. I just felt like they'd turned on me. I still feel that way.

I've never liked going places alone and liked even less, getting somewhere and not knowing anyone. Yet that is what is occurring more and more often. Even NA, which has always been an important part of my social life seems to be failing me. I really miss having friends and no avenue I have tried had helped me find a social context.

I am sure I have blogged all this before but I just seem to be feeling it more. Probably the pictures I was viewing kicked it off. I've certainly never spent so much time alone. Much time to think, for good or bad. Kind of running out of ideas.

I hope to have lunch with two new friends this week.

UNC - Duke ACC tournament this afternoon and Area Service Committee (for which I may be late). Taking puppies out in a minute and a a little house cleaning. Russell and I have been taking long and brisk walks in the evenings. He seems to like them and that dog can walk me into the ground, even with tiny little legs.

I'm reading "The Master Switch" and "The Girl With the Dragon Tatoo." Listening to "Rage Against the Machine", "Public Enemy", "Cake" and a bunch of 80's New Wave.

Patience.