Good morning

Feeling better. Plenty damaged from the cancer and the  treatments, but not sick. Not sick is good.

Sandra and Bob and Carol came to visit yesterday. Unfortunately I had become dizzy and stayed that way most of the day. A very distressing symptom. Hoping it will get better. So much radiation into the brain.  Over 10 mets so far.

Katie is getting fixed this morning. No breakfast. Poor girl. She is lying where her food bowl sits empty. She'll get lots of treats when she gets home.

One week before Christmas. Eric is will be in Greenville at his girlfriend's. On Dec. 30 we are planning to attend The Mantras/YMBFBB show at the Neighborhood Theater. I, so very much, miss live music. Only live music can reach parts of my soul.

Now that I'm better I'll start back on the physical health regime. More walking and eventually back to the gym. Then decide how to spend my time, finding something to do. I think I'll start by being open to new ideas and experiences.

Ain't dead yet.

i didn't know a person could feel so relieved

Brain guy killed last tumor on Monday. Oncologist reports no cancer on scans of the body today. Christmas remission. Sweet present from the universe.

Now I guess I gotta get back in shape. I can make some plans now that I'll be here a while longer. Amsterdam? London? New Orleans? Jamaica?

Put me in a wheel chair, get me on a plane, hurry hurry hurry, before I go insane.

Woopee

5:43am

Wow, I have been remiss in posting the boring details of my life. But, here I am.

Woke this morning at 4:45. Almost 7 hours of sleep was all I could manage having gone to bed at 9:45. Feeling surprisingly well.

Sunday I had my CT scan. Checking for cancer below the head. I'll get the results on Thursday. Hate waiting to hear. Certainly a bit nervous.

Had stereotactic radiation treatment for the 5th met (brain tumor) yesterday. The treatments for the first 4 were in August. Doc said no new tumors were observed. I am hoping for remission for Christmas. I am so frigging tired of cancer. I just need a break. I would like to feel better.

I have been feeling a little numbness and the left side of my mouth/face. I asked Dr. Barri about this and he scurried out of the room muttering, "We may have done that." Wonder what else the might have done in treating me that I am attributing to something else.

Katie is getting "fixed" today. After seeing Dr. K on Tuesday, I have no plans and nothing scheduled for the holiday.

4 years 6 months since the first tumor found. "No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition." Still Alive.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll

Happy Thanksgiving.

David, Paul, Steve and Eric will be over tonight for our 6th(?) annual Thanksgiving dinner. We gave up the dinner part once the meeting moved to Thanksgiving day proper, no restaurants open. All old (well now anyway) high school friends.

Next treatment not scheduled. CT in two weeks. Looking forward to a remission 2013.

New computer arrived yesterday. Hours of building ahead. Reminds me of getting my first computer (well actually Deborah came home one day with a Mac SE). I've been a computer geek ever since. Prior to 1987, I was just a regular geek.

Katie visited the vet yesterday after pulling out a bunch of fur. Vet said it might have been caused by a single flee. Dogs were tougher once upon a time.

new computer on the way

Hey World!

Finally feeling better. Every bug hits me worse as they keep injuring my immune system. I mostly hide from anyone who is sick.

Latest MRI showed one met (about 5mm) that was missed in late August when they irradiated the other 4. They will kill that one in a week or two. On the other had they found no new ones. On Dec. 10th I'll get a CT to check the rest of my body. I'm working towards a remission new years.

Ordered another computer to replace my old Dell, which must be 8 years old. Found an Asus (intel i5 quad core, 8gb ram) refurbished. Always looking to save a buck.

Missed PGroove in Charlotte last night. That part of my life is over. Just can't get up and out late at night.

Otherwise All is good here. Puppies happy.

two weeks, oops

Hi world.  

Been sick for a week now. Serious headache, dizziness, slight fever, nausea, pain, fatigue, just no fun. Slowly getting better.

Got a guy to hypnotize for smoking on Wednesday, a massage on Thursday and an MRI on Friday.

Got a refurbished Droid tablet. So cool. Problems is with no physical keyboard I am less likely to type more than a few words at a time, and sending fewer emails and fewer blog posts as a result.

Not much going on here. Hate being sick.

NYC pics
http://jambandfan.smugmug.com/Travel/New-York-City-Oct-2012/26455278_wZKT87#!i=2208093936&k=K8zgF3P

Trip Report

We met at the gate for NYC around 7am. Vicki had to connect in Charlotte, so all was good. Dropped off the bags at the hotel, The Lucerne. Head out to find lunch at Barney Greengrass (http://www.barneygreengrass.com/welcome.php).

This restaurant was recommended by a former employee.

Interesting restaurant. First room is large whole fish behind the counters. The "dinning room" is small. Food was excellent. We both had Pastrami. Thai for dinner.

The Lucerne is a 4 star hotel, modeled after European hotels. Lots of staff. I'd stayed there before and we wanted to be in the Upper West Side. Things are more expensive there we noticed.

Friday is rained like crazy. We skipped the MakerBot store and went to the movies to see Argo. Good film. That evening we had pizza and walked to the Beacon to see Crosby, Stills and Nash. A highlight of the trip. Played the old stuff and the newer songs. Started at 8pm, over before 11. Only a five block walk back to the hotel.

Saturday we ate at the hotel and then headed on foot to the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art, via Central Park. We walked forever, getting lost about 60 times. Even with a map and a gps smart phone. Got there and they were doing an exhibit of Klee. Fascinating work. Stopped in for a Guinness at an Irish pub.

Saturday evening we found a burrito place about 10 feet wide. Burritos were huge. Largest I'd ever seen. The down to Times Square to see the lights and the crowd. Headed back to the hotel, we found the Georgia - Kentucky game in a bar across the street for the hotel. Go Dawgs!

Sunday morning off the Zabar's for breakfast.   Afterwards wondered around and found a place for lunch.

We were hijacked by a gypsy cab who wouldn't let us out when negotiations fell apart. Not willing to jump from a moving car, and luggage in the trunk, we rode to the airport. Needless to say, he got no tip.  

Vicki and I always travel well together. We had a good time.

I was happy to be on a trip but was unhappy to find that I lacked the stamina for such an long trip. We walked and walked. Ankle was still sore from the Russell collision earlier in the week, and that didn't help either.

Made it home, more tired that I thought possible. Glad to be home with the puppies.

Thanks to Marsha for dog sitting and cleaning the curtains. They look great.

Home Again

Made it home yesterday from NYC. Exhausted beyond belief. I'm feeling better these days but still lack the stamina to exert too much energy. As I discovered on the first day of the trip. Pushed forward none the less.

Trip report to follow.

Today started at 3am with puppies asking to go out. Then at 6:30 my brother calls to tell me he just hit a deer on I-77 about 3 miles up the road. Went to get him. Haven't seen the car yet. Not the way I'd intended this morning to go. Him neither I guess.

Think I'll go get that sleep I missed this morning.

NYC

Saturday morning. Katie awakened me at 5:30. Exactly 6 hours of sleep. Seem to be that I can only sleep for 6 hours at night irrespective of when I go to bed. I once had a fantasy that in retirement I'd sleep late. Guess not. I am not a fan of waiting for sunrise, especially waiting 2-3 hours. Did sleep 3 hours yesterday afternoon, which is rare. Busy week getting ready for the trip. Very excited about the trip. So ready to see anything besides northern Mecklenburg county. The leaves have barely started to change here.

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new Android Pad. Missed UPS yesterday so, no play today.

Time will change back to eastern standard soon.

Hope I feel well enough, or awake enough to go see The Mantras at the Visulite tonight. Otherwise nothing planned for the weekend.

Definitely fall now. 45 degrees this morning.

+35° 29' 36.33", -80° 50' 45.72"

Just in case you are looking for me.  

Making plans and getting ready for my trip to New York City. Just got to find dog care for a couple of the days I'll be gone.

Panic over not hearing from Vicki is resolved. She was out of internet and cell phone range in Frisco, NC.

Trip clothes bought. Need new shoes. Always buy new shoes for vacations. Much walking through Central Park predicted.

Looking forward to getting away for a few days.

Turn cool this week. Turned over my clothes to Fall/Winter. Love fall clothes.

The Mantras are in Charlotte this weekend. Dare I go?

falling down on the job here

Good week. Not too much pain. Getting more things done. Puppies are happy. New York trip set. Hotel in the Upper West side across Central Park from the Museum of Natural History. Tickets ordered for Crosby Still and Nash at the Beacon.

This weekend Georgia football!

I learned this week that if you have scar tissue on your lung and it is rubbing against the chest wall causing pain, the sit ups are a really bad idea.

Saturday

Doing better.  Much better. I may have found one medication that works on my pain but is not a pain killer type drug.

Expecting a great day and Georgia football tonight.

Took Katie to the new bar nearby that is made for customers to bring their dogs. Katie was a bit freaked by all the large dogs running loose, so we hid in the small dog park and she could watch from behind a chain link fence. Start small. I'll take Russell next time. Both could get more dog socialized.

Planning a short trip to New York City with friend and ex-wife, Vicki, in mid-late October.

Muffins are ready.

wow, I'm feeling some better

Today is the 10th anniversary of my first day I flew an airplane one my way to getting my pilots licence. I miss riding in the sky.

Well, we have the pain in my side explained. 

1. neuropathy (from the brain surgery site)
2. scarring from the lung surgery
3. Diverticulitis (was diagnosis made years ago but seems irritated now).

Having answers  will lead to better treatments or I'll learn to live with what can't be repaired or treated.

My guitar playing and singing is going great guns. I could easily play in any open mics nights, except for my memory.

I was playing my Hummingbird this morning. I love that guitar. I think I need to sell a few that don't get much playing time and buy a Hummingbird TV. I mean I love that guitar.

Gave up on quitting smoking my pipe. Seems that it wasn't the source of my discomfort.

Katie

After a few days of training, Katie made her first trip to campus. She was a big hit. She made it home still a bundle of energy. I think the three of us will walk to Toast tomorrow for breakfast.

Feeling better today. Started taking those pills that should reduce the neurological pain I've had for four years.Each symptom is addressed in descending order importance. Time  for one of the last, to get fixed, treated, whatever.

September already

Good morning readers,

My day started too early with Katie awakening me at 5:15am to go out. I kind of imagined retirement would involve some sleeping late. Would appear not.

Feeling some better. Jet Blue to NYC $74. Thinking maybe mid-late October a trip up there.

Katie is doing well.

13 out of 28

13 Days in one doctor's or another's offices during August. 

Went to see my massage therapist on Tuesday. Wednesday is felt great. Today I'm so sore I thought I was dying.

After Katie chewed through her first harness, I bought her two new one's. The smaller one fits well and she doesn't complain. Be trying the leash next.

Not much other news. Need to re-foam the sofa cushions. 

amazing when you think about it

I first moved up my scans a couple of weeks and on Aug. 7 had the MRI  that shows a few mets. 16 days later I've completed treatment. Go medicine.

I was thinking last night that if the cancer continues to return to my brain then at some point I'll have to agree to another course of whole brain radiation. Likely that would push my brain into dementia. Then, without memories, it will erase my personality. I suspect that dementia patients do not form personalities,  new or otherwise. Therefore, the WBR would push me faster and into a death of personality. Since our culture refuses to allow actual mercy deaths, perhaps a psychological death could precede the physical death.

Yea, even retired folks still have Mondays.

round 2

Home from the second round of STS radiation. Two more tumors bite the dust. Glad for that but cancer treatment is still a bitch. So tired. No way I'll make it to Phish on Sunday.

Hoping for a break in the find cancer kill cancer routine I have going on here. I'd like a year off please.

more mets

Survived the SRS treatment this morning. A whole hour of holding absolutely still. The mask also blocks all vision. But in viewing the latest MRI, they found two more mets and I'll be back under the radiation gun on Friday. A little dizziness seems to be the worse of it. Still, I know it is giving me more time and all that but boy am I sick of all these treatments.

chilling before tomorrow

Brain cancer radiation tomorrow. Not so much fear but dread. I hate these procedures. 4 surgeries, 4 chemo, 33 radiation treatments so far.

I just ache all time. But lungs in best shape since the surgery. Walking up to two miles a day. Just going to learn to ignore the discomfort. Guitar playing going well.

Katie is growing fast. Leash training again this afternoon.

New smartphone is so cool. I can play movies right off my Netflix cue.

still waiting

I finally leave the house to have dinner with my step-mother and her sister yesterday. About 6:20 I ask my neighbor to watch out for the truck. Between my leaving and his getting here, UPS appears (6:22p). So, waiting again today.

Had yet another MRI at CMC this morning. Man I hate driving in Charlotte. I got so lost.

Saw a 1995 Gibson J-100 12 string for $900 on Craigslist. I almost called.

I like it here with my puppies. So I go to treatment.

waitin' for the man

Waiting alright. Waiting for that brown van and the magic package he'll be bringing. Nothing like the excitement of a new smart phone. It's out for delivery. But, we all know that waiting. Can you walk the dog, will they come? Shower? Leave the house at all? Panic sets in.  Hours ahead and miles to go. Waiting.

Waiting.



still waiting.




s t i l l  w  a  i    t     i         n             gggggggggggggg

the plan

Get my radiation mask and interview with Dr. Asher tomorrow.

MRI on Friday

Radiation treatment on Wednesday the 22nd.

then Remission City.

having a good day

Interviewed the Radiation Oncologist today. One day soon I'll get in a fancy new MRI, fit a mask and then 30 minutes of high radiation on each of two mets. Each is very small, 2mm. Apparently it does not take many cancer cells to generate trouble.

Feeling strangely optimistic. Not just this episode, but in general.

Ordered a new cell phone. The unlocked version of the Galaxy S III 4G Android Phone. Hated to pay full price but now I don't have to sign a new contract (and lose my unlimited data plan) and can change carriers and use this pda.

Reading Kent State, What Happened and Why. James Mitchner, 1971.

almost finished The Baroque Cycle. 

Phish on the 26th!

And WTF?!? Rand Paul for VP??? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. 

How my day started

Walking Russell before dawn this morning I meet my Oncologist walking his dog. He lives across the street. Since yesterday I was wondering if my casual attitude towards this episode was in error. He thought that with the small number of tumors (good to have got it so fast) that treatment should be successful. What worried him (and now me) was that I cancer free after the lung cancer treatment and now that is not true and likely to return in the future. Yesterday I called that "chasing the cancer."

I next asked about my financial plan. I have been planning my investments to last about 10 years out (about 2 years ago). He thought maybe 5 would be a more reasonable plan. He added that if I run out of money I can come over and he'll lend me some.

We also discussed my odd ability to suppress the growth of the cancer cells. He said there were some for whom this held true. The doctors don't know why or by what mechanism this occurs. I guess like dark matter.

Real game changing conversation on the side of the road at 6:30am. 

Here we go again

The results from my latest scans are in. Cancer found in my brain again.  I'll start treatment on Monday. Looks like the radiation oncologist will be using stereotactic radiotherapy. This is pin point radiation, as opposed, to the whole brain radiation I had in 2008. High levels of radiation and fewer exposures. I'll know more about the treatment after interviewing the treating physician.

Hard to believe that the cancer in my brain waited 4 years to return. My oncologist told me today that when he first saw my case in 2008 that he thought I'd only live for 6 months. He also said that he had never seen a case where the patient's cancer had grown so slowly. Seems I have something unusual.

So, 2008 brain, 2011 lung, 2012 brain cancer. I asked my oncologist today, am I going to be chasing cancer the rest of my life? He replied yes.

I never really expected life to take these turns.

After selling the house and the airplane I organized my assets with the intent of living at least ten more years. Maybe that was optimistic. I think I need to blow about $20,000 on a trip to Europe.

another day of doctors

Feeling better than I was. Just left the hospital after spending the morning in the MRI and CT scans.  Thursday I'll get the results.

I just hate it when it seems I'm going backwards.

Katie is up to 12 lbs. Less biting.

No tobacco for 3 weeks. I miss it. Can't tell much difference.

damn I feel sick

Wow, unhappy. So bad that I went to see my family physician earlier in the week. Massive headache, pain in the site of the thoracic surgery, dizziness, heartburn, little hard to breathe, are a few of my symptoms. Dr. Cook thinks that my left lung has developed scar tissue which is rubbing against my rib cage. That pain is causing spasms up through my shoulder. I may even have a kidney stone.

I've moved up my next round of blood tests, MRI and CT scans to next week.

So, so sick of being sick.

bass repair and bbq

Noon on a Monday.  Hot, damn hot.  Anything I have to do I try to get done before the heat of the day. Since puppies like to arise early, we have plenty of time.

Got up and out around 5:30am. Too dark to see but Katie was ready to run. Now, waiting for her post lunch nap.  Russell is up on the couch to avoid Katie's playful antics. Entertaining herself with a toy right now. She is going to be a smart dog. We were learning tricks yesterday.

 

Went electrified with the J-200 this morning. My vocals were none too bad. I miss smoking but I do like breathing. More than a week now since my last puff. Called James at Fine's Musical Instruments about repairing the bass pickup switch on the Hofner bass. I'll go on Wednesday and grab lunch on the way home. Maybe BBQ? Ok, found likely restaurant.

What did we do before the Internet?

 

Economic news is bleak. Now Libor and reports of 32 trillion dollars hiding in tax free zones, world banks in collusion. Number of US Poor at highest point in 60 years. Government completely under the thumb of the Oligarchy. At this rate, most folks will be experiencing an economic ice age all to soon.

Planet heating up, no solutions in sight.  Coral reefs will be collapsing and with that, the loss of fish as a food source. Apparently little interest in making any changes that might save us.

The people who got us in this mess will be unable to make the changes necessary. Well, it ought to be interesting.

nothing to say

great title, really inspired to read, huh?

Just raising puppies around here. Katie is growing so fast.  Both puppies got clean bills of health yesterday from the Vet.

Shot The Back Beat on Sunday at the town green. My old high school friend and previous band mate, Paul asked me to take photos at the show. Not bad. Being daylight, I only used my new 17-200mm Sigma. A sight easier than using 4-5 different lenses. I would recommend VR for any lens that size. This one does not.

Bye.

let a whole week pass without checking in.

Hi Ya'll.

Watching the Wimbledon Men's Final on the TV. Puppies crashing hard from the nearly two hours we were in the backyard this morning. Still too damn hot (forecast 99 today). So our outdoor playtime is limited to early mornings. Through the afternoon, our trips out will be brief.

One of the pickup switches on my bass failed yesterday. Now to find repairman. Smart phone totally crapped. Using an old one. PITA. 4 months until I can get a new one. New network hard drive failed. RMA back to the manufacturer. POS! Everything is falling apart!!!

If the air conditioning fails, I'm jumping off the roof.

Still waiting for Rachael Maddow's new book, "Drift" to come from the library.

Trying to quit smoking. I should run out of tobacco any minute. Now all I have to do is not go to the store.

Katie is waking up and I must respond.

it's too damn hot

Wow, it's Sunday already. I made double Chocolate muffins for breakfast. What am I going to do with 10 that are left?

I was very excited to see the Health Care bill get passed the Supreme Court. Renewed my faith in our species,but only temporarily I'm sure.

I think we may have seen the best years of this country. The number of things that would have to change to prevent this is mind-boggling. We're on a downward spiral. The Corporations right their own laws and a sympathetic pro-business (meaning paid off) Congress will cause the raping of the environment will ramp up even faster. Tipping points will cascading and unforeseen events (which are often called disasters) while the planet begins to become inhospitable for many species, including humans.

We're looking at another 100+ degree day today.

Katie pics

Katie is doing well. Still likes to bite but I think she's figuring it out that I don't like it. Besides she can bite Russell all day, he doesn't care. They love to play and fight over toys. They will chew on the same stick in the yard, which is in no way is bereft of sticks. It is a pleasant change from the routine by having a puppy.

Reading

The System of the World. final novel in the Baroque Cycle. (only 500 pages left)

Frank Zappa a biography

bunch of magazines

Reddit (too much)

next

The Kent State Massacre (J.A. Mitchener)

Readme (Neil Stephenson)

The Pale King (David Foster Wallace)

You Say It's Your Birthday

Happy Birthday to me. Not much planned for today. I just can't believe I'm 55 years old. I just never imagined what life would be at that rather advanced age. I spent my years 30-50 living the life of someone 10 years younger than myself. Having been so sick for so long The age caught up and then passed the difference in how old I was and how old I felt.

This week marked the four year anniversary of the discovery of my brain cancer. Four years is a long time to be ill. This morning I was looking for something in my medicine cabinet and figure there are about 50 bottles of various concoctions and elixirs. Most of which I have no idea of their function.

Stranger still is the age regression I have been experiencing. I live in the town where I grew up (been here on and off for 50 years), went to school, and do the things I did back then. Reading long novels, listening to music from that era, and  playing guitar, seem to inspire the same feeling and thoughts I had a the age of 16. I walk the same roads I did, smelling the same flowering plants, I pass my old elementary school nearly every day. I feel like I have entered a time machine taking me back to my childhood and leaving me there.

Because I have been unable to do the things I used to, for fun or work, I've made my world smaller and smaller to avoid having to meet obligations from nearly any quarter. I've found that "dropping out" has created an unintended consequence. I have been forgotten. My phone can go without ringing all day I may not speak to anyone for hours and hours. 

I can complain but fact is, I'm still alive and I know the less I want the more I have.  Time for Russell's walk.

what got into me today?

Up at 6am. Doggies out. Breakfast, doggies out. Shower. Take Russell on a walk to Toast for breakfast. Take puppies out. Head to gym to work out (first time in several months). Take puppies out. Swept house. All before noon. Puppies asleep now.

Katie is such a lively puppy. She loves to run and chase and eat sticks. She's going to be a great dog.

we're having so much fun

Katie thought we should get up just before 6am. So we did. She loves to be outside, chewing or chasing Russell. Every day she learns new things and explores everything. We were out in the yard last night until it was too dark to see her. We were out in the backyard by 7:30 with me playing my guitar.  I don't know what I would do without my puppies.

Katie is sleeping like the dead after this early morning playtime. She runs and runs and falls down tired. I'm sure she'll be recharged soon.

Looks likes lots of puppy posts ahead

OMG! We are having so much fun. Russell seemed a bit jealous at first, and then curious, now excited to have another Corgi here. Skye was about 9 years old when Russell came to live with us. She liked to play but only a little. I kept telling Russell he'd be happy having a new playmate.

Corgi Kung Fu

more Katie

We're having so much fun. Puppies love to play and insist that everyone join in.  Katie is a bundle of energy. Run, run, run, sleep. She is fitting in and our pack is growing. I can see the signs of attachment starting and even Russell is enjoying Katie's antics.  She goes in her crate without much protest.  I'm looking for our routine to begin to develop but I think it is early because every morning a new puppy wakes up, having grown, adjusted, and anxious to learn. After 2 days of rain, we have several days of cool and sunshine ahead. Puppy exhaustion can occur outside with much running and no worries about toilet matters. Even with that, we're having a pretty easy time of it. My secret, take puppy out upon waking, after eating, before going back in the crate and whenever another hour has passed

I wasn't as involved with Russell's training, being all busy trying not to die from the cancer and it's treatments. He's still requires "adjustments" to his behavior, most likely due to my inattention. We won't see that this time. 


Russell is teaching Katie is fine art of Corgi play fighting. Skye and Lewis played this game endlessly and for years.  It is one reason I like to have two Corgis, so they can play together.

Quitting smoking is a pain in the ass. Mostly because I love to smoke. But I don't like feeling ill and I do when I smoke. Nicotine gum helps but the withdrawal is the same. I'll schedule a detox starting today. Oh well, into every life a little rain must fall and all that.

June 11 (Monday) was Skye's birthday. I had my first date with Harriet the day she was born (Skye, not Harriet). She was a good dog.

Well Katie is ready to get up. My break is over.

Katie day two

Miss Katie's first day was full of running around in the back yard. Katie and Russell are becoming acquainted. Katie found Russell's hideout under the stairs to the one bedroom apt upstairs. Russell seemed a bit unhappy about sharing his dad's attention. Last night I moved her crate into the bedroom for the night and she barely cried at all when it was time to sleep. This morning all that changed when Katie started chasing Russell around the living room. Then he chased her and the race was on. I knew Russell would come around to seeing the advantages to a playmate. Russell is good about sharing his toys and Katie love to chew on them. After some spirited play, both are asleep giving me a moment to rest. I can see that this girl will soon run the house. Katie is adjusting well to her new home.

I think I found the right puppy. She bold, headstrong and already follows us around the yard. She even comes when she is called. Happy family!!!

Katie!!!

New Dog day! Well yesterday actually. New puppy, whose name may be Katie, is one handful. Run, run, run, bite, bite, bite. Eats like a horse. She loves playing with the dog toys. The balls that light up are a big hit.

She cried all night. Took her out around 11pm, and then 12, then 3am, then at 7:00. Took two hours to wear her out this morning. Even Russell is sleeping. Better get breakfast before everyone wakes up.

maybe new dog day tomorrow

I'm in such a good mood. Weather is perfect. Finished cleaning the house this morning, then took Russell for a walk. Wanted the new puppy to come home to a clean house. Still undecided between a puppy and the mother. Some many good reasons for each.

Guess I'll have more to add tomorrow.

what day is it?

I'm still so forgetful. One day just bleeds into the next.  The weather dictates my day more than the calendar. It's OK, just different.


I spend a good deal of time reading world news and politics. My latest interest is what motivates voters to think the way they do. I've been looking into this for a while reading from various disciplines.


The Hight theory on intelligence: For every point you are above 100 on the IQ test, there is someone who is that many points below. And honestly a score of 100 (which you may know is average) is pretty damn low. The ability to perform abstract thought is highly correlated with intelligence.


Hoping to hear soon about my application to have my college loans nullified. I certainly qualify. My goal is to cut any spending I can. Finally feel well enough to do my own house cleaning and that is saving money. Cutting back on smoking will reduce my outlay.


Trying to quit smoking. Chewing nicotine gum. 5 days so far with only two slips. I would be happy just to smoke less, a lot less. When I quit smoking cigarettes (1985) I thought that I might even be allergic to tobacco.


Russell and I walk everyday. We are up to 1.5 miles. We also play catch in the backyard 2-3 times a day. I found one of those rubber balls that lights up when bounced and Russell loved it. Not like Lewis did when I found him one. He thought it was the great thing ever!


I bought a second ball for the new puppy. Driving down to Clover, SC (about an hour away) to look at puppies on Saturday. The mother of the puppies is also available. Guess I'll decide then which. Advantages to both. Very excited. Very.


Saturday evening is the Gov't Mule/Dr. John show!

more on acceptance

I think acceptance in no way means resignation. I've been fighting what I'm experiencing. I just keep trying to live a life I cannot live. I hope to get better and be able to do the things I want, but that is not today. Accepting that doesn't mean I'm resigned to it. I just means I've got to quit feeling badly over the fact that I am disabled and cannot live the life I had before.


My way of dealing with adversity is to analyze my responses to the context in which I find myself. My response is what drives me crazy, not the context or new situation. I mean life can suck beyond the telling, but sometimes that cannot be changed. The only thing left is how I adapt. I've been driving myself crazy trying to hold on to the old life. I liked the old life. I have a habit of letting go poorly, claw marks on everything I've ever lost. It's easy to see this intellectually, not so easy emotionally.


I am accepting this new life full of post cancer and post cancer treatments issues. Like everything in my life, not fast enough. I was hoping to be in better shape (than I am) by now. I've made great strides so far, but it is a slow, slow, slow process. As is my acceptance.


On a more positive note. I've made an appointment to visit the puppies June 9. Maybe someone new will come live with Russell and me.

another day

Not much to say today. One day I feel pretty good, the next not so much. It seems impossible to predict and therefore to make plans. Trying not to think of all the fun things I could be doing if I only felt like doing them. Oh well, hoping to get better. It's only been 3 months since the final burst of radiation.

Watch word, acceptance.

I just sent a note to the woman in with the puppies and the 3 year old for sale asking when I could visit.

No plans for the Memorial Day weekend.

just stuff

Hello to everyone in cyberspace. Jacked in? Good.

My day just changed. My brother called asking my to fix his computer. Appears that his computer has become infected. That ought to take a while to repair. Naturally (as with most if not all casual users) he doesn't know what he was doing at the time of infection, nor has the installation disks. As with so many users who does not use many locally installed programs, he should keep everything in the cloud. If he did, I could just wipe the drive and reinstall the OS. I wonder why his AV software didn't catch it?

I've not been feeling well lately. Headache, sinus pressure, dizziness mostly. Poor sleep. My return to physical health is going more slowly than I'd like. Still Russell gets his walks every day. Davidson College student are taking exams and will leave after the weekend.

Working on breath control while singing. I am amazed at how differently my singing sounds when I concentrate and relaxing my throat and left arm.

Still reading the Baroque Cycle, on the third and final book of the series. Took a break to read, " Laurel Canyon : the inside story of rock-and-roll's legendary neighborhood," Not all that well written but certainly an interesting topic of what can happen when amazing folks network through proximity and social contacts.

Made it to the show Friday night. The band did not start until after 11pm. As much as I want to make it to live shows, it is still just too hard. Even if I make it to a late show, the next two days will be harder. I do have tickets for Gov't Mule (earlier show) and Phish. Not so hard to make it to a show that starts around 8 and is over by 11:00pm.

I'm doing better with the whole guilt thing about not working. Targeted  self talk can be very effective. Three days of rain is past and now sun, sun, sun through the weekend.

Guess I'll go pick up that computer.

nothing much

Good morning readers and friends. Big weekend planned. Tonight Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band at the Neighborhood Theater. My brother and his girlfriend are taking me. Saturday is a local bluegrass and beer festival.

I may have found a way to discharge my remaining college loan debt. I'm taking the paperwork to my Oncologist to complete, attesting to my past. present and likely future health. That would be sweet. I was not easy to find the program or forms for this. No big advertisements that's for sure. Wish me luck on that.

My guitar practice continues. I've changed my focus to my body mechanics, posture, muscle tension, and breathing. Coming along slowly as this requires re-learning pretty much everything. My goal is to be a better musician/performer and my intent is to working on my broken mind. Complicated tasks are the most challenging for my brain and therefore most useful. Having several great guitars makes the complexity of matching instrument to song interesting. Be jammin' on the H'Bird this morning. Then off to the store and then Russell's walk to campus. Some light cleaning in the afternoon.

Well better get to it!

errant thoughts and strawberries

Hi Friends,

Off to pick strawberries this morning with my friend Marsha.

Had the strangest dream Tuesday night. I dreamed I was sick, like with the flu. Awoke thinking I was going to feel horrible and after the headache abated, I felt pretty good. All of my symptoms, mostly from the various treatments for the cancer, are lessening. I am feeling better, less pain and more energy. Walking everyday with Russell, who is getting better on-leash. He is naturally good off-leash being a herding dog. Waiting to hear from Fairwyn farms about new puppies.

I missed two shows this week. I hope I can get back into a place where I can make shows without a lot of effort. I wish that when I get to a show, that I know somebody there.

I am still trying to find my new life. I am so reminded of my childhood and adolescence. When we, Russell and me, are out walking, the sounds and smells and sights take me back to those days of being amazed by everything. I walk around town seeing the same houses and buildings as when I was 6 years old, taking the same paths as when I was walking to school in the 1st grade. I haven't had the free time I do now, since I was in high school. I drive the same roads, take the same walks and, on occasion, listen to the same music.

Who I am is a more fluid concept than I've experienced in a while. After all this life, you'd think I'd be better at adjusting to life's changes. In developmental psychology, there are normative and non-normative events. Normative events are those life events that are common to most people, graduating high school, getting married, having kids. Non-normative events affect life but are not predictable, as serious illness, being hit by a bus, divorce. It is these non-normative events that are hardest to integrate back into life.  These are the unexpected events and thus, hard to plan for whatever comes.

I like to plan. I like to cover any foreseeable events. Like they say, "you never expect the spanish inquisition." You never expect cancer and never expect both the damage from the treatment and you never expect to live through it.

Hard to plan for all of these events. I've found it hard to anticipate the psychological changes that occur. Much less figuring out who I am. A serious lack of meaning, as I have always defined it. Piaget once said, "Intelligence is the ability to adapt." So I'm adapting. Slower than I'd like, faster than  I should expect.

Just got back from a small adventure with Marsha. We headed out in the Z3 (top down) without functioning GPS and spent an hour driving around the country roads of three different counties. We did find the farm and picked 2 gallons of red strawberries apiece. Marsha could taste the difference in this part of the row and further down. Our little unskilled labor experiment. Just finished putting up 8 quarts.

why Obama and the Democrats

I believe that we no longer live in a functioning democracy.  When the amount spent on an election is the most important variable in predicting outcome, the game is over. We truly do have the best government money can buy.

I also believe that the day one enters the White House is the day they find that the Office of the President comes with lots of obligations, and is pretty much controlled. So for the greatest part of the ability to influence events, the cards are already stacked against.

Why vote for the Democrats as they do not make great strides in changing anything? We might not get what we want; no wars, CIA drone programs gone, corporations not being allowed to ruin the economy, to mention a few.

We need to vote for the Democrats if only because, the Republicans will be worse and we will regret living in their nightmare of pandering to the rich at the expense of everyone else, in hopes of gathering the falling crumbs.

mid-life crisis again?

I have had an emotional two weeks. It was so hard to watch Skye decline over the past months and then take the inevitable turn for the worse. I know souls are born, live and die and when we have pets, we will experience this. I was able to spend lots of time with Skye and give her a great dog life.

Naturally I am considering getting another Corgi. I'm thinking that I'll give Russell some time to be an only dog.  The question is would he rather have all the attention of trade that for a new playmate? As is my pattern, I'll consider this for a while. Not a big fan of snap decisions.

Seems that I am going through another mid-life crisis. At least that's what I call them. I prefer Carl Jung's approach to explaining the challenges of this stage of life. So much variation in life paths make any predictions only very general. Add the natural and usual path of life, a serious tendency to analyze everything, and getting life threatening cancer, not once, but twice.

All bets are off, anything is possible. Clean the slate and the soul. I'm in a part of the cycle where this old ways are gone and the new have not presented yet. The old life of catching shows seems to be passing, it's hard to make the shows and all my friends associated with the music and photography have wandered off to get married, have babies and spend their time thinking about food. Going to a show means not knowing almost anyone there. I still hate to go place alone. Too self-conscious and to easily bored.

My first major life change as an adult was cleaning up my act and quit the drinking. This change also took me to graduate school where I found a new career. Then on to a second degree at UGA, part of this change in life. This period lasted until 1998 when I quit the business of psychotherapy.

In the period between 1999-2008 I entered the world of Information Technology, for which I was well suited, maybe more than psychology. Quickly moved up through various jobs in the computer field. Also found Harriet after divorcing with my 3rd wife. I was able to find a new career, a new wife and a new life. It felt like everything was going to be fine. As in life, nothing ever seems to work the way we hope. Harriet left and I found music again. In a big way. Hundreds of shows over the next few years. Work was for daylight and music at night. The hole Harriet left in my life was almost too large to fill. Music and photography gave me a place in the universe. People knew me, found friends and the joy of life music.

Crusin' along with a couple of new jobs in IT and finally found a new girlfriend, life seemed to make sense. I was happy. Then a week before my 51 birthday, I have a partial seizure and in the hospital the doctors find cancer in my brain. There's a life changing event if there ever was. You find out who you are when you hear that. The treatment, Whole Brain Radiation, nearly destroyed my mind and body. Three years of searching for a way back to anything like I knew before. I couldn't think, couldn't remember and suffered fatigue so great that I sat in a chair for the whole time. 

Unable to get out and get to shows, that life begin to fade. I tried to continue on but I was just too sick. I guess I was clinging to a life now gone. Three years passed. Doctors all calling me a miracle. Then cancer again, in the lung this time. Operations, chemo and radiation comprise my life. Declared whole and cancer free, the word "miracle" is used again. I am grateful to the doctors and the universe for life.

Now what? Work is out of the question. First, I cannot risk losing my health insurance. Second, I doubt I can pull 8 hours doing anything. I still suffer memories problems that would make technical employment unlikely. Third, who would hire a guy with such a track record of illness.  I am working as hard as I can to do the things everyone else does rather easily. I'm terribly out of shape due to the time spent trying to survive. I walk Russell and get to the gym when I can. I have a long way to go.

The issue is now, what life can I create? I've always been able to recover from set backs. I'm sure I shall again. I just have no idea what is next. I have not found a direction in which to head. I always have and I'm sure I shall. Guess I'm not too patient.

On the other hand, my life is very organized. Memory problems work better with routine and consistency. I have a comfortable home. I have books, movies, music and Russell. I lack for nothing but meaning in life. I am getting healthier and more able. I've been so driven for the past 30 years and now I can lay down that burden. But it is not easy. I just feel like I should be doing something. What, I have no idea. Like it is not acceptable for a man who has worked hard through is life to reap any reward, or granted a rest. 

Holy Shit, just checked the weather radar and a huge storm is coming. This was not in the forecast. Must adjust schedule to get Russell some play time before it hits. Meaning I'll practice guitar later.

Merlefest the weekend.

Thanks for reading.

Skye

I had to put down my girl Skye today. She came to live with us in the summer of 1999. While in a long distance relationship (Davidson - Cambridge, England) I agreed to us getting a dog when Harriet returned. Soon, we were looking at dog books deciding which breed to get. I told her of a time where I met a Cardigan Welsh Corgi while an undergraduate. Once Harriet heard the Queen of England kept Corgis, she knew.

We found Skye at a breeder's and she was going to be too small to show and so she was half price. When she realized we were going to take her home, it occurred to her that we weren't getting a dog, she was getting two people. You never saw a happier dog.

Harriet was struggling with a depressive phase and, as she termed it, Skye was her therapy dog. They would sleep together on the couch.

Skye's favorite toy was a ball that made noise when it rolled. After a few months, we found that we could not give Skye enough attention. No humans could. So, we got her a dog. We tracked down another breeder and discovered while we we're there that Skye's brother (both parents, later litter) was available. Skye and Lewis were joined at the hip and seem to act as one dog.  Our house was so large they could run and run and chase each other. They played endlessly.
Lewis and toy.

We were altogether for the next five years.

I kept the dogs after Harriet left. Skye was distraught. I stayed home every night for a year so she would not feel abandoned.  She was able to change her primary affection. Harriet never returned to visit Skye.

Lewis left us about 4 years ago, in May 2008.. Skye didn't seem to miss him but I feared she was lonely when I was a work so I found Russell in the winter of 2008. Skye was both happy and annoyed with Russell's presence. She was aging and he was enthusiastic about life.

Skye had been slowing down for months and gotten to the point she couldn't walk to her favorite place, The College campus. She adored running up to the students lounging around. She was a favorite there and even only three days ago a student asked about her and she hadn't been to campus in months. She began to go down quickly this week and I knew it was time. I took her to the Vet this afternoon and we decided it was time. While getting her ready, the Vet found two large tumors in her abdomen as if to confirm what I knew already.  Dr. Hay gave her the sedative and I held her in my arms for 15 minutes and waited for her to fall asleep. She went very easily. I'm sure she was relieved.

Skye was with me through many difficult times. She was devoted and will be remembered. She was a good dog.