Saturday morning

Good morning my friends and faithful readers,

Well, the chemo has almost run it's course. Like a big truck running crazy through my whole body. I now have two weeks to recover before the second round starts.  Somewhat better prepared for next time.

One of my favorite bands, PGroove, whom I've shot many times, is playing in Charlotte next weekend. I need to find someone to take me. Email sent to get photo pass for the show.

As a regular reader here you know I love to do product reviews. The next review will be on a hardware/software product I have been following since it's inception in the late 1980's. Dragon Naturally Speaking is up to version 11.5 so I'm hoping they have found all the bugs. This is software designed to take human speech and convert it into text. I'll be setting up soon and see how it goes. It just seems so cool.

Georgia football takes on Florida this afternoon. When I was attending UGA, this was one of the highlights of the year. Never did get tickets through the lottery for this game.

Hi Ya'll

Thursday, one week into the chemo. Feeling better, but so slowly. Yea, I'm impatient.  I am thankful for all those around me who have been so helpful. 

Lovely day outside. 75 degrees. House opened to catch the breeze.

day 3 of 1st chemo treatment

Unpleasant to be sure, but I feared it would be worse. Mostly fatigue, nausea, general uneasiness, kinda like a bad Mexican dinner at one of those trailers. Well I've never eaten at one of those, but I've been poisoned by my local Mexican restaurant enough to know.

It was cold this morning on the puppies' walk. Well, not this cold, but chilly. This is what I looked like this morning.


The best way to deal with the discomfort is to share a conversation with a friend. This week I have had several great conversations. Helps me get out of myself. Serious illness and solitude can bring the consciouness to fold in on itself and start a loop of symptom focus and then all becomes suffering.

So call. It is the best medicine.

update

Completed a 7 hour course of chemo today. I think the plan is to bore the cancer cells to death. Ready for whatever comes in the next few days. I think the horror stories in my mind were echos from chemo experiences years ago. The chance to finally remove the cancer is worth the battle.

I had a 2 1/2 hour phone conversation with my cousin, Elizabeth T. (avoiding the google search, lol). She was asking questions about his life before he became a family man. I was close to her father while I was growing up and even a factor in my choices of colleges (well first time at college anyway). Wofford T. was my mother's younger brother. I told her lots of stories, but I have lots more.

Cousin was sworn to secrecy.

Here are two random pics of my favorite subjects.

baby Russell

Skye and young Russell

Chemo

Hi all. Sitting in the chemotherapy room. Got here about 9am ( now 10:30). Stuck here all day. Have music and book.

Monday morning

Hello my friends and you who just like to read blogs. I'm like that, I like to read blogs, too.

Monday morning, which means almost nothing to me, is here. Feeling a little better again today. Spent the last two weeks slowly dropping the amount of pain medication. Today I found I am not ready to go off completely, still hurts too much. I just don't like the fog that I experience. That which cannot be changed, must be endured.  My surgeon said last week that I should be feeling better by Thanksgiving. Which you might note is still 5 weeks away. Perhaps I'm just impatient. Like I know how long recovery from major thoracic surgery should take, lol.


Still, I made muffins today. The first time since surgery. I'll take that as a positive sign. Also managed to go out to eat twice yesterday.


I was reading my last post and realized that I am beginning to resolve my dilemma about usefulness. Sometimes the resolution comes easily once the question is properly posed. Onward to make the best of what I have. Without guilt.

busted

update

Hi Friends,

A little update 'round here. I'm feeling better, better every day. Far from healed, it is still painful to use my left arm. Which when you think of it, is quite debilitating. I am able to get by of less pain medication.

I am taking this time to evaluate my life, goals, dreams, plans in light of my disabilities due to this, seemingly chronic disease. Fo so long I felt my job was to be helpful to others and studied psychotherapy.  For a long time I found the work meaningful and rewarding. After 15 years I looked at my life and decided to change careers, moving into the world of computers and information technology. After the brain tumors and radiation treatment I found I could no longer work in that field.

For the next three years I have been dealing with the unintended effects of the cancer, the surgeries (3) and the whole brain radiation. I suppose hoping to regain the mental and physical facilities, I focused on the research in the field, searching for anything that might return my energy and memory. I found nothing outside my own efforts that helped. I embarked on a series of activities to force my mind to work and to get my brain working. Playing music has been a great way to drill my memory but in a fun and creative way. I decided to record my playing, complete with bass guitar and mandolin and multiple guitar tracks.

Having the cancer reoccur after 3 years is a game changer. It is unlikely that I will come out of this better than I was before the new tumor. I can survive this, but it is not likely that I will but for so long.

I've been pretty driven since my mid 20's, two graduate degrees, 2 licences to practice, 3 computer certifications, learned to scuba, backpack, sail, even earned a pilot's certification. Cancer has put most of this out of my reach. So how do I live my life without that drive to succeed and accomplish? I found meaning and purpose in life through my work. Even as a network administrator, I found meaning in the beauty and efficency of a well designed network.

Here in the last few years of my life I shall move to just enjoying what life I have; friends, reading, photography, music and corgi's. Letting go has alway been hard for me, everything I've ever lost, left with claw marks. Before I let go I try everything I can think of, explore every option, and then still have trouble letting go. I've spend three years adapting to my new condition, (condition, hell), reality. Now it is time to accept that a meaningful life can be without goals and accomplishments. That I can be happy being useless. For most of my life I have felt I needed to justify my existence, to earn the life I had. Maybe I have. Maybe it is ok for others to help me along this path. Maybe I can just enjoy what I have and the time I have left.

I fear, that the remaining months of treatment will be hard, but the surgery was certainly no picnic and I have managed that. My oncologist will poison me for a few months, then shoot radiation at me for a while. Afterwards I plan on getting as healthy as I can be and relax and just enjoy the ride.

Wish me luck moving to the next phase of life.

Radiohead's "The King of Limbs"

Downloaded Radiohead's latest album, "The King of Limbs." I like it but I'm suprised that so many others seem to as well.  I am not all that well-versed in the more popular music of the last decade, so I'm listening to the big names, Radiohead, My Morning Jacket, and on and on.

Lately I have been trying out different online music systems. Pandora, Google Music beta and now Spotify.  Pandora is a site where they intend to introduce the listener to new music based on the band you select. They play bands that a similar to the one you chose. I have one "station" called, The Flaming Lips, that plays an interesting list of new bands. Google Music beta is a cloud based system where you upload your own files to the site and then can access them on any computer and Droid cell phone. Spotify is a system for listening (not downloading) to any one of 15,000,000 songs on their site. Just download the app to your computer or smart phone and type in the song or artist's name. Even with 15 millions songs, I have been able to search for songs they don't have. This site did have a fair amount of "RootBoy Slim" and you gotta respect that!

Looks like my car is the old technology. I still have to burn CD's to get music there. Someday I'll replace that system.