5:30am

Good morning friends and readers.


I finished reading a novel last night, John Folwes', "The Magus". The first time I'd read it was in the fall of 1983, at the age of 26. At the time I found much, in the main character, Nicholas Urfe, I had common, with the way we dealt with the world. He was a completely self-centered individual who justified every action in his own mind, living solely for himself. A tragically depressed character in late adolescence moving for one relationship to another, running as soon as the emotions became too intense and required him to accommodate the emotional needs of the other. I didn't see a thing wrong with him or his view of life at that time. I pretty much continued living this way until I was over 40 years old, moving and checking like a hockey player, fending off any real emotional commitment with those close to me, especially the women in my life. The urge to mate, then the intense urge to escape would follow all too quickly. I acted and reacted to each feeling I had without remorse. I ran through women's lives like a tornado, causing destruction everywhere I went. I lived for the hunt and seduction. Then flee like a scalded dog when the feelings and situation became too real. It took a series of events that bought me to my knees to help me change. A few months later I met a young woman with whom I fell in love and when it got intense, I stayed and worked through the anxiety I felt. The was the first romantic relationship during which I remained faithful, lasting about 7 years. Then the tables were turned, and I had the chance to suffer what I'd be dealing to others. My next relationship ended with me being abandoned again. That was a year ago. Since then I have been licking my wounds and inventorying my romantic history.

As I re-read the novel, I could plainly see the problems of Nicolas, his denial of his own selfish and self centered behavior and was unnerved and yet could find compassion for his character, an understanding of how he became this way and for his unhappy future. The novel ends with Nicholas learning nothing and remaining unchanged through the whole ordeal. I find myself saddened for him and for myself. I have worked through my part in the these and made amends where I can. But, victimizer or victim, I care for neither role. Guess I might be single for a while.

7:00am. The sky is finally begin to brighten. Even the dogs are asleep. Let's have coffee, they'll get up when they feel like it. Not that I am hopping to take them out in 18 degree weather.