why Obama and the Democrats

I believe that we no longer live in a functioning democracy.  When the amount spent on an election is the most important variable in predicting outcome, the game is over. We truly do have the best government money can buy.

I also believe that the day one enters the White House is the day they find that the Office of the President comes with lots of obligations, and is pretty much controlled. So for the greatest part of the ability to influence events, the cards are already stacked against.

Why vote for the Democrats as they do not make great strides in changing anything? We might not get what we want; no wars, CIA drone programs gone, corporations not being allowed to ruin the economy, to mention a few.

We need to vote for the Democrats if only because, the Republicans will be worse and we will regret living in their nightmare of pandering to the rich at the expense of everyone else, in hopes of gathering the falling crumbs.

mid-life crisis again?

I have had an emotional two weeks. It was so hard to watch Skye decline over the past months and then take the inevitable turn for the worse. I know souls are born, live and die and when we have pets, we will experience this. I was able to spend lots of time with Skye and give her a great dog life.

Naturally I am considering getting another Corgi. I'm thinking that I'll give Russell some time to be an only dog.  The question is would he rather have all the attention of trade that for a new playmate? As is my pattern, I'll consider this for a while. Not a big fan of snap decisions.

Seems that I am going through another mid-life crisis. At least that's what I call them. I prefer Carl Jung's approach to explaining the challenges of this stage of life. So much variation in life paths make any predictions only very general. Add the natural and usual path of life, a serious tendency to analyze everything, and getting life threatening cancer, not once, but twice.

All bets are off, anything is possible. Clean the slate and the soul. I'm in a part of the cycle where this old ways are gone and the new have not presented yet. The old life of catching shows seems to be passing, it's hard to make the shows and all my friends associated with the music and photography have wandered off to get married, have babies and spend their time thinking about food. Going to a show means not knowing almost anyone there. I still hate to go place alone. Too self-conscious and to easily bored.

My first major life change as an adult was cleaning up my act and quit the drinking. This change also took me to graduate school where I found a new career. Then on to a second degree at UGA, part of this change in life. This period lasted until 1998 when I quit the business of psychotherapy.

In the period between 1999-2008 I entered the world of Information Technology, for which I was well suited, maybe more than psychology. Quickly moved up through various jobs in the computer field. Also found Harriet after divorcing with my 3rd wife. I was able to find a new career, a new wife and a new life. It felt like everything was going to be fine. As in life, nothing ever seems to work the way we hope. Harriet left and I found music again. In a big way. Hundreds of shows over the next few years. Work was for daylight and music at night. The hole Harriet left in my life was almost too large to fill. Music and photography gave me a place in the universe. People knew me, found friends and the joy of life music.

Crusin' along with a couple of new jobs in IT and finally found a new girlfriend, life seemed to make sense. I was happy. Then a week before my 51 birthday, I have a partial seizure and in the hospital the doctors find cancer in my brain. There's a life changing event if there ever was. You find out who you are when you hear that. The treatment, Whole Brain Radiation, nearly destroyed my mind and body. Three years of searching for a way back to anything like I knew before. I couldn't think, couldn't remember and suffered fatigue so great that I sat in a chair for the whole time. 

Unable to get out and get to shows, that life begin to fade. I tried to continue on but I was just too sick. I guess I was clinging to a life now gone. Three years passed. Doctors all calling me a miracle. Then cancer again, in the lung this time. Operations, chemo and radiation comprise my life. Declared whole and cancer free, the word "miracle" is used again. I am grateful to the doctors and the universe for life.

Now what? Work is out of the question. First, I cannot risk losing my health insurance. Second, I doubt I can pull 8 hours doing anything. I still suffer memories problems that would make technical employment unlikely. Third, who would hire a guy with such a track record of illness.  I am working as hard as I can to do the things everyone else does rather easily. I'm terribly out of shape due to the time spent trying to survive. I walk Russell and get to the gym when I can. I have a long way to go.

The issue is now, what life can I create? I've always been able to recover from set backs. I'm sure I shall again. I just have no idea what is next. I have not found a direction in which to head. I always have and I'm sure I shall. Guess I'm not too patient.

On the other hand, my life is very organized. Memory problems work better with routine and consistency. I have a comfortable home. I have books, movies, music and Russell. I lack for nothing but meaning in life. I am getting healthier and more able. I've been so driven for the past 30 years and now I can lay down that burden. But it is not easy. I just feel like I should be doing something. What, I have no idea. Like it is not acceptable for a man who has worked hard through is life to reap any reward, or granted a rest. 

Holy Shit, just checked the weather radar and a huge storm is coming. This was not in the forecast. Must adjust schedule to get Russell some play time before it hits. Meaning I'll practice guitar later.

Merlefest the weekend.

Thanks for reading.

Skye

I had to put down my girl Skye today. She came to live with us in the summer of 1999. While in a long distance relationship (Davidson - Cambridge, England) I agreed to us getting a dog when Harriet returned. Soon, we were looking at dog books deciding which breed to get. I told her of a time where I met a Cardigan Welsh Corgi while an undergraduate. Once Harriet heard the Queen of England kept Corgis, she knew.

We found Skye at a breeder's and she was going to be too small to show and so she was half price. When she realized we were going to take her home, it occurred to her that we weren't getting a dog, she was getting two people. You never saw a happier dog.

Harriet was struggling with a depressive phase and, as she termed it, Skye was her therapy dog. They would sleep together on the couch.

Skye's favorite toy was a ball that made noise when it rolled. After a few months, we found that we could not give Skye enough attention. No humans could. So, we got her a dog. We tracked down another breeder and discovered while we we're there that Skye's brother (both parents, later litter) was available. Skye and Lewis were joined at the hip and seem to act as one dog.  Our house was so large they could run and run and chase each other. They played endlessly.
Lewis and toy.

We were altogether for the next five years.

I kept the dogs after Harriet left. Skye was distraught. I stayed home every night for a year so she would not feel abandoned.  She was able to change her primary affection. Harriet never returned to visit Skye.

Lewis left us about 4 years ago, in May 2008.. Skye didn't seem to miss him but I feared she was lonely when I was a work so I found Russell in the winter of 2008. Skye was both happy and annoyed with Russell's presence. She was aging and he was enthusiastic about life.

Skye had been slowing down for months and gotten to the point she couldn't walk to her favorite place, The College campus. She adored running up to the students lounging around. She was a favorite there and even only three days ago a student asked about her and she hadn't been to campus in months. She began to go down quickly this week and I knew it was time. I took her to the Vet this afternoon and we decided it was time. While getting her ready, the Vet found two large tumors in her abdomen as if to confirm what I knew already.  Dr. Hay gave her the sedative and I held her in my arms for 15 minutes and waited for her to fall asleep. She went very easily. I'm sure she was relieved.

Skye was with me through many difficult times. She was devoted and will be remembered. She was a good dog.

scans and Skye

Home from the Oncologist. Monday's scans (MRI & CT) showed no cancer! That's the good news.

Skye (my older corgi dog) is going downhill fast. Yesterday she couldn't get up and stand or walk. She is not eating well. Called the Vet and got an appointment for later in the afternoon. Just before we left for the appointment Skye was able to get up and wander around. No real answer or prognosis found there. I know it is a matter of time, she's is almost 13 years old, but as long as she's happy we'll deal with the physical problems. Today she isn't all that active but when inspired, by me, she was willing to move around.

Post test

Good morning World,

Home from the hospital where I got my MRI/CT scans this morning. I'll get the results on Thursday when I see my Oncologist. Hard not to wonder what they'll show. So, taking it easy today. Temperature moving towards 80. They'll be some sitting in the sun with the puppies.

Made it to the PGroove show and stayed for a while after the show. Most energy I've expended in months. Didn't get one shot, crappy assed lights. I was worried that the effort would have to be paid the following day, but this was not to be. Still have the neuropathy pain but that comes and goes.  Nice weekend overall.

I've been recording my practice and I'm improving. Doubles my practice time, having to  listen. The project was so I could listen and play along and record separate tracks, is functional now. Experimentation to commence.

Leftover Salmon on Wednesday, maybe PG in Boone on Thursday and Chris Knight on Saturday. 

just another day

Good morning. Seems I haven't blogged in a week. I think I've gotten some bug or another as I have more symptoms from the treatments, rearing their ugly heads. I have learned, though all this, to listen to my body. I'm getting better but more slowly than I'd like, of course. Hair is growing in, maybe more gray than black. Still managing to walk everyday. Russell likes walking.

I've started cooking for myself. As a result I have a refrigerator full of food. Love the new waffle maker.

PGroove is playing the Neighborhood Theater on Friday. If I have to crawl to Charlotte to make it to the show, then I shall.  Order a ticket for Phish this summer. I hate paying so much for a show. $10 to mail a single ticket, simply outrageous.

Next Monday I'm scheduled for full MRI/CT tests. I'm not worried. I'm hoping for a new baseline for health.

I'm reading "The Baroque Cycle" a three volume novel by Neal Stephenson. Total number of pages, around 2,700 and dozens of characters, set in the 17th century. I'm 500 pages into the second book.

One of my neighbors, who I did not know before, came over to discuss his brain cancer. His cancer also started in the lungs and metastasized to the brain. He was given Whole Brain Radiation and then chemo. He said he had not had a conversation with anyone before. It is really hard to discuss cancer with friends and family, but easier with fellow sufferers. I invited him to come over any time and we'd drink a beer in the backyard. Seems he's a fan of the New Belgian Brewery.

Shot a few pictures of Russell playing in the backyard.

click for Russell pics

Thanks for reading.

April Shows

In the East touring bands seem to migrate through the seasons. Far South in the Winter and in the north during the summer. They hit here in the Spring and Fall. Time for us to get a few shows then.


April

  5          Dead End Parking

12          Holy Ghost Tent Revival

13          PGroove

18          Leftover Salmon

19          PGroove -Boone

21          Chris Knight

27-28   Merlefest

30         Gomez

Hard to believe but the price of gas has gotten to high that I have to consider the cost in making longer trips. Not working certainly has an effect on my income. Medical bills take the rest.

waffles and good health

Waffles!

Made it to the Tea Leaf Green show this past weekend. Raining pretty hard but I was determined to build my concert muscles. Lots of shows coming up in April, so I have to be in shape. Holy Ghost Tent Revival, Dead End Parking, PGroove x2, Chris Knight, Leftover Salmon, Gomez and Merlefest on the list.



CT and MRI in the middle of the month. Expecting nothing but good news. I think I've may have the answer to my fatigue problem of the past three years. As it appears to be lifting, I now believe that maybe my body needed that energy and for me to reduce my activity level in order for my body to fight off the cancer. Since I'm still alive and most on that road aren't, something must be different. I fought against and tried everything to overcome this debilitating condition. Now I am thinking it may have been my body trying to get better and I just lacked the patience to wait. Although at the time I feared the condition would be permanent. Guess not, and happily so.

I'm walking everyday and just 2 months ago I was barely able to walk 2 blocks now cover two miles. I know how to get back in shape. Start slowly and work to failure. Then, again. Granted at 54 maybe harder than at 24 or 34, but it'll happen. I'm persistent if nothing else. I don't fail and I don't quit. I don't even know how to quit.

Canker worms at record levels. Damn bugs everywhere. Enjoying the warm weather. I mean me, not the bugs.